When I was a kid, playing outside and getting filthy was one of the greatest things about life.  When we were all growing up (my three cousins, three siblings, and myself), nothing pleased us more than being out in the yard and finding entertainment in the most mundane activities.  I watch old home videos and remember how simple everything was, and every year when summer starts easing its way in, I can't help but have a profound hope that we might be able to return to that place, if only for a few months.  Of course, it never seems to happen like that.  Being in college, I have to focus on final papers and moving my stuff out of the dorm and preparing myself for my summer job(s), so this time of year has lost a little of that anticipation.  And yet, I do believe that this summer is calling me home.  It's not that I don't like school; I love it, actually.  I can't imagine myself being anywhere else in terms of my college career.  It's just that......well, sometimes loving is not enough.  I've learned that the love of a place or an idea or a person is never a simple concept, and we all reach moments when we feel like disappearing from our own lives for a little while.

   So it's time to go.  It's time to leave St. Mary's for a breath of fresh air.  This year has become a series of long days fueled by the drama and misunderstandings among friends who used to be incredibly close to one another.  When I first arrived on campus my freshman year, this place was terrifying and depressing.  Soon enough, however, I found friendship.  I found love, I found productive activity, and before I knew it, my first year was over and I wanted so much more.  Last summer had its fantastic moments, but when all was said and done, they only made me miss my college home even more.  So, with a confident stride, I approached St. Mary's once again for my second go-around.  Despite the difficulties I had faced not long before, I was willing to enjoy everything as I should.  I knew it would be a constant swing between bliss and sadness, between contentment and anger.  Now, I'm just tired.  I'm tired of trying to make sense of everything, so I've stopped.  I'm tired of pushing for friendships that are ultimately fruitless, so I've stopped.  Now, I feel as though I'm treading through a muddy swamp.  The light at the end is there- I can see it.  But hell...it sure takes a lot of muscle to get there.

   I love my friends.  I know I will miss a few things here and there as I pack up my car once more and make the long drive home.  Who knows?  Maybe we'll grow up even more than we have.  Maybe we'll grow even farther apart.  Whatever happens, I'm willing to accept it.  I'm ready for a new routine, and I know that cutting myself off from the rest of my college community is not exactly the right way to move forward, but sometimes it's okay to go about things the wrong way.  And ya know, maybe I won't move forward this summer.  Maybe I don't need to move forward.  I might just need to be who I am without the aid of the college crowd.  I know I must be rambling by now, so I don't expect any of this to make perfect sense.

   For some reason, my mind keeps returning to a "Wizard of Oz" motif.  It's interesting to think about the famous line, "There's no place like home."  It doesn't really resonate with the rest of the film, does it?  I mean, what Dorothy considers "home" is a desolate, black-and-white tornado ground where no one understands you.  Oz, on the other hand, is an incredible place that offers companionship, adventures, and lots of colors (even though it has its share of problems).  It's about the journey, not the destination, right?  So, why do I want to go home so badly?  I am truly a better person because of college.  I've made friends, lost friends, found inspirations in the strangest places, and yet, like I said, it's still time to go.  Maybe it proves that happiness does not last forever.  Or maybe it means that going home is just another rung in the ladder.  Whatever it means, I need detachment, and hopefully when the new school year rolls around, I'll be ready to be back in Oz.  Nothing is lost forever.

   For now, I think I should be playing outside and digging up the old things I've been missing.  Have a good one.

-ajs