***Please critique- this is just a draft (in other words, far from perfect).***
Quiet
Love hides in bonfires
like a playful spark
waiting to be chased by surprise.
When people meet
and share nervous smiles,
the anxious predator
scares the dancing star
from the heat to the air,
and like a Shakespearean enchantment,
both mortals breathe with
unnoticed excitement.
Once love rests in the lungs
of the ignorant,
it shall never again harbor elsewhere.
Whether or not the soul
can feel the tingle,
and whether or not
it wants to feel the spikes,
love will want no other home.
Love lingers, knowing it is drenched
in beautiful complexities.
It waits through every gesture,
every confusing brush of the hair,
every seductive conversation
of the eyes.
And then one day,
when everything seems like
it was made for another lifetime,
love peers out from human lips
and speaks for the first time in
a thousand languages.
Its music has always
graced the insides
of the sad and the wise,
and now love itself cries to be heard.
How wondrous
that something so quiet
can remind us of our lifelong
friendship with it.
-ajs
Posted at 10:20 pm by
adamsincell
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ChristinaL December 31, 2008 09:15 PM PST
I love this! |
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pendoodles October 1, 2007 06:04 PM PDT
i like it as it is :) |
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Friday March 1, 2007 12:31 AM PST
Although you say it's far from perfect it's very eloquent. Sometimes, when we try to polish something it mars the natural beauty -- interrupts the flow. I like it as it is. |
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Rachel Clement January 17, 2007 06:21 PM PST
Hi Adam -- I know we don't know each other all that well, but I (yeah I'm embarrassed, stalker that I am, but I thought I should write this anyway) just think your writing is absolutely gorgeous and inspiring. I just read one of your poems and it helped clear my head of a temporary depression, and anyway... I just think you're amazing. Keep up the good writing. I can't see how you wouldn't succeed, I love what you write.
~Rachel, stalker extreme |
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Njord January 12, 2007 05:37 PM PST
I agree; kids don't hide in bonfires waiting to be chased. How about sparks or maybe marshmallows? :) |
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name January 12, 2007 12:30 PM PST
I'd rewrite
"Love hides in bonfires
like a playful child
waiting to be chased by surprise."
You need the comparison to work. This one doesn't. |
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mych January 12, 2007 07:11 AM PST
nice. really nice. the reality is - love resides in the silence of the heart, not just merely in jubilation, nor at first sight. love is where it is waiting to be shared. |
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