I would like to take a few moments to express my sincere thanks to everyone who has paid a visit to my site.  Many of you have left such uplifting comments, and your words really make me proud to be a writer (or a striving one, let's say).  I feel very lucky to have such a network of kind, insightful, supportive human beings.  You are the reason I'm still writing.  You are the ones who make my life so extraordinary.  In the coming weeks, I hope to be writing a little more frequently (now that my winter break has officially begun), so feel free to check in every now and again.  I wish everyone a safe, exhilarating, surprising, laughter-filled, and inspiring holiday this year.  Don't forget how amazing life's mess can be.

Thank you again.  Peace.

-ajs  

   I was walking along the snow-covered path today, and for the first time in a long time, a wave of comfort came over me.  It was something I wasn't quite expecting, but suddenly everything felt right.  With the semester practically over, I found myself looking back on the past few months and wondering what could have made my thoughts so positive.  For so long, getting out of bed every morning has had very little meaning behind it.  I've tried so hard to become immersed in my studies this year that, many times, learning has lost its real value.  I've tried spending time with my friends as if it's an inconvenient obligation to myself.  I've continually dwelled on the insecurities of myself and others, waiting for something to go wrong instead of enjoying the beauty of the moment.  And that's not me... 
   "Love is quiet," I thought as I continued walking along that snowy path.  Yes, I know this is a stretch to sound creatively profound, but it's the only way I can explain how I felt.  This epiphany had a lot to do with my English class today.  It was the final meeting of the semester, and I must admit, there was a bittersweetness in the air.  I think I finally understood how much I've learned this year.  Though I may not have realized it at the time, this class has helped me appreciate the power and depth of the English language, and I've learned how to read and interpret literature.  Oh, I'm sure that some of you are thinking, "English majors are crazy."  But in all seriousness, I feel like I've fallen in love with my talents all over again- and really, how often can a person say that?
   Now, one would think that this would have been enough philosophical enlightenment for one day, but for the second half of class this morning, we had college professor (and Poet Laureate of Maryland) Michael Glaser come speak to us.  The entire second hour involved us sitting quietly and listening to him read a number of poems from various writers and then comment on them.  I sat there without moving, hearing this amazing poetry, becoming engaged in Glaser's incredible insight about life.  It was like he reached into my soul, pulled out every ounce of moral wisdom I believed in, and said, "Yes, this is what it's all about."  One of the poems he chose to read was "The Sun Never Says" by Hafiz*, and I will admit, it was the first time in my life that a mere poem caused my eyes to well up and my heart to beat a little faster.  In a moment, everything about life and love made sense to me.  Everything I've become and everything I've tried to be somehow meant something again.
   I guess that's what this whole semester has been about.  I've had on-again-off-again relationships with my friends, my studies, myself, my romantic interest, and through it all, I've over-thought everything to the point that I've forgotten who I am at times.  I've tried so hard to make my life concrete, to find a precise solution to all of my problems, and it's become so hard for me to accept the fact that nothing ever follows the plans I have etched in my mind.  Until today, I just didn't get it.  I've been so wrapped up in worrying about what could go wrong that I haven't given due credit to everything great in my life.
   That's what today was all about, I guess.  I walked along that path with a revelation about my life: I've spent so much time trying to achieve happiness instead of realizing that I'm there already.  I am happy, and it's because I've learned to love more deeply than ever before.  I've learned to love life for all of its complexity.  I have friends who genuinely care about me.  I live in a place where the sunsets literally stop people in their tracks.  I am in an environment where I can know and respect myself more than ever.  I can step outside on an October night and wait for my life to surprise me.  More than anything, I've learned how to be a friend to others.  I've discovered that I can give so much and still feel like it's worth it.  In that respect, I suppose I am a hopeless romantic (at least that's what my friends tell me).  As scary as it may be, I've learned that I can put myself out there, make myself vulnerable to people, and take the risk of getting hurt.  But taking that risk is what it's all about.  I could never have days like today if I were too afraid to love so strongly.  Inevitably, we romantics can get hurt, but in those rare instances when things just happen to turn out right, I couldn't think for a second that love isn't worth it.  
   
   Life hurts.  Life can be terrifying.  It can be so frustrating that we beg for a quick remedy for our pain.  We tear ourselves apart trying to find answers.  We resent our lives so much sometimes, as if to say "Fuck off! This isn't fair!"  How different it would be to cry out of happiness instead of disappointment.  Why do we run down the path without looking around at the scenery?  Why aren't there more days like today, when we look at the world and say, "I love you too"?  How beautiful it is to be someone's confidant, stargazing partner, lover...  to be someone's peace, and to wish for nothing but his or her happiness.   Love is indeed quiet.  It's the greatest gift we have to offer.  It means being grateful for an imperfect life.  It's a treacherous journey, but should never be a lonely one.  Love is a place where you don't need answers or reasons why.  If there's one thing I can take away from these past months, it's that I have found so much happiness in giving myself to people.  To know that I can be someone's comfort is an amazing feeling.  And maybe one day, a wanderer will come walking down my snowy path one day and say, "I love you too."

* "The Sun Never Says," posted below

This poem really spoke to me today.  Hopefully, you'll get something out of it too.

The Sun Never Says

Even
After
All this time

The Sun never says to the earth,

"You owe
Me."

Look
What happens
With a love like that,

It lights the
Whole
Sky.

-Hafiz

With one more breath.
the wind stumbles
over the stillness.

I feel that quick twist of love
and sadness
dig into me
like a ship cutting through the sea.

And suddenly,
caught in the balance of
bitterness and hope,
we hold on.

I grow weary
like leaves
swelling with colorful tears
until they fall,
old and tired.

The sugary sting slides
through me,
Smears
like rain on a watercolor.

The embers drift,
grace the air for a moment
with passion
and fade into repose
with silent haste.

We wait for darkness,
for wisdom.
There is no weeping for the end.

-ajs

   Today, I celebrate the birthday of one who taught me very much.  My mom has been there for me since day one, and I cannot even begin to explain her influence on me as an individual.  She and I were thick as thieves when I was a little kid.  When the rest of the family went off to summer camp, I stayed behind with my mom, and she spoiled me to death.  Being around her has always made me feel very special and extremely lucky.  She has been through so much in her life, and I respect her as the strong woman she has always been.  She is compassionate, sentimental, intelligent, and fun.  My mom has always wished for her family's happiness, and when one of her children is struggling, she struggles equally.  Her caring nature has made her one of my favorite people, and I know I can always count on her to be my safety net if ever I stumble and need strength.  I am thankful beyond words for having the mother I have.  So many people in the world do not have such a primary element in their lives, whether it be by death, parental divorce, disagreements, or simply distance.  We who have moms take them for granted and tend to neglect how amazing they really are.  I want to take this entire day to express how fortunate I am to have my mother in my life.  She is more than a parent; she is a friend, a confidant, and a teacher.  No matter how many fights she and I have had, no matter how many disagreements or misunderstandings, I could never for a moment doubt that my mom is a spectacular person.  I love her from the bottom of my heart, and I wish her all the best on her (it's inappropriate to state your mother's age) birthday.

With love,
Adam   

Dear friend,
   Well, here I am, now one week away from my spring semester finals.  A full school year come and gone.  It's truly unbelievable.  Sure, there were many times when it felt like the clock kept rewinding and repeating, but all in all, looking back, I feel like I've literally been thrust through my first year of college at an alarming rate.  It's amazing how nothing and everything has happened in eight months flat.  At times, I felt like my entire world was shifting beneath my feet, and I was completely powerless to stop it.  Other times, it seemed like very little happened over the course of the year, at least on a major scale.  I've made friends, developed romantic crushes (yes, more than one), plowed through a ton of work, and learned some hard lessons.  As I sit here and write to you, I can honestly say I am still the same old guy that built Lego creations in his attic, went to band practices, beat himself up over an insignificant homework assignment, or drove to town for a change of scenery.  Yeah, I'm still that guy.  I've been fired through an entirely different world of dynamic and complicated situations, but I suppose I'm not really all that different.  Perhaps a bit taller, perhaps a bit wiser, but some things never change.  As I have learned this year, some things I will never get right, some things I might have to continually refine for the rest of my existence, and some things I may have already mastered.  Regardless, it has been one wild year.
   So, where do I stand now? 
   I've stargazed with potential love interests, sat through campus-wide blackouts with some amazingly talented musicians, dressed up for Halloween extravaganzas, enjoyed countless movies alongside good friends, laughed about light fixtures mistaken for pipe-bombs, sung a few fun songs, had some great coffee, been overtaken by many a sunset, driven to IHOP at ungodly hours, journeyed through mysterious graveyards, witnessed some terrific productions, gone for exhausting jogs, written papers, prepared snacks, been enlightened, been angry, been depressed, tried to help out some soulmates, been heartbroken, acted like a complete goof, and caught a few tears (and a few kisses).  Right now, I feel like welcoming the summer with open arms, because believe me, this has also probably been the hardest year of my life thus far.  I've learned so many things only to be baffled by a hundred more.  
   I'm ready for another start.  This entire year has been about getting my feet off the ground.  Well, I've finally done just that, and now it's time to keep going.  Sometimes it's sad to think that the only way to become who you really are requires a significant amount of time to first get a little direction.  You think, "If only I could have started sooner, this year may not have been all about the journey to get to a better place."  But in any case, I suppose the journey itself is the most important part, not the destination.  I realize now that having put myself through the trials and tribulations of this past year, I feel prepared for anything.  Let my love come when it comes.  Let my greatest inspirations as a writer hit me when they hit me.  Though there will always be frustrations and painful moments we'd just as soon forget, I find comfort in the fact that this isn't the end of it all.  Whatever missed opportunities flew past us this time around will come back again at full speed very soon.  Nothing's lost forever.  Things change, of course, but every moment, every thought, every emotion is too real to forget.  Once it's here, it stays.  The spirit of our former selves is always within us, no matter how willing we might be to crush it.  There is always love, there is always pain, and there will always be experiences.  I can't refuse to live, because as far as I'm concerned, that's just impossible.  Whatever we do, we're making a memory, and I for one consider myself very lucky to make them alongside some truly fantastic people.
   So, I have very few regrets (yes, there are inevitably some).  There were most definitely signals I didn't pick up on, conversations that could have been steered differently, relationships that could have been explored instead of neglected, and life-changing choices that could have been made.  However, in spite of all of that, I can be assured only a more exciting future.
   
"What will come will come, and you'll just have to meet it when it does."
   -J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

I believe that is all for tonight.  Good night, friend.  Happy journeying.

   Indeed, we have yet another birthday to celebrate today.  My sister Sara is an incredible part of who I am and who I have always been.  I think she and I have very similar emotional makeups, and it comforts me to know that wherever we go, we know we're not alone.  I've never been so proud of her than I am at this very moment.  She is an incredibly hard worker, a compassionate friend, sister, daughter, cousin, niece, and granddaughter.  She has so much pride in her family, and her sociability and empathy constantly eminate from her enormous heart wherever she is.  She is a wonderful person to share a cup of coffee with.  She's so much fun; I think her sense of humor is entirely unmatched by anyone.  Every now and then, I suddenly start laughing to myself or repeating a particular phrase that Sara gave to me.  In that way, she's an extremely influential part of my personality.  Wherever I go, I will never lose her wisdom, her determination, or her giddy humor.  On this day, I wish her a very happy birthday.  Lately, she has been quite busy with multiple jobs at various hours of the day.  Her life will only get busier as time goes on, but I thought I would take just a little bit of my day to salute her for her guts, her stamina, her caring instincts, and her high-spirited soul.  I will forever be grateful for her gift to me: herself.  She couldn't do any more than she already has to make me proud of my life.  So, have a good one, sis!  This day was made for you.

Love,
Ad

P.S. Tell Ruthie I said "Hello."  

   Today, my father celebrates yet another birthday.  Let me tell you, my dad is a pretty great guy.  A great deal of what I know today in the ways of morals came from him.  As a kid, my dad and I had a quiet relationship.  I knew he loved me, and he knew I loved him.  He would follow me around with the video camera all the time, trying to capture every moment of his youngest son's life.  I'm so grateful that he preserved all those memories on video.  To this day, whenever I sit down to watch a home movie, I'm reminded of how much my father truly cared (and still cares) about all of us.  Both he and my mother have encouraged our passions and our talents unconditionally.  Being a well-respected person with a face familiar to everyone in town, my dad has made a great name for himself and his family, and for that I am eternally grateful.  He has such a diligent and well-rounded work ethic, the ability to see things logically yet with a huge sense of compassion, and a rich integrity and character.  He's what I've wanted to be my whole life- sociable, kind, intelligent, and courageous.  I've acquired quite a unique sense of humor from him as well.  His sharp-witted, wholesome, and completely silly idea of a joke has certainly rubbed off on me (actually, it's become a huge part of my personality overall).  Anyway, I know he wouldn't want me to go on and on about how he's another year older, and how his hair may be just a little grayer, so I'll keep it simple; My dad is an incredible guy.  He's honest and fun to be with.  People sometimes tell me that I am my father made over, and I can only hope that I become half the man he is.  He gives my life wonderful meaning.  Here's to you, dad!

Love,
Peanut     

   Today, I celebrate the birthday of someone very important to me.  She was with me through thick and thin as a young kid, and she eventually became my strength as I got older.  She taught me how to slow dance with girls at the middle school, she taught me to be open-minded, and she gave me a sense of courage I never thought I had in me.  She's generous in her compassion, takes pride in her family and friends, and is one of the greatest people I know.  She's stronger than I think I'll ever be.  Her life experiences have caused her to go down roads way ahead of her time.  She has faced the world with determination and wisdom, all the while keeping her head high, in spite of obstacles that may try to slow her down.  She taught me so much about independence and growing up, more so than anyone else ever could.  This birthday of hers calls for a celebration far beyond that of a cheesy birthday greeting.  Moreover, today constitutes a reason for me to thank whatever greater being exists (call it God, call it the fates, call it luck) for being able to have such an amazing person in my life.  In the 18 1/2 years I've known her, I can't for a moment doubt that she is and always has been someone of great integrity and ambition.  So, today being what it is, I feel it's necessary to give credit and thanks where they are due.  She has been a huge inspiration to me and my own passions.  She is one of the people who filled me with the feeling that I could be someone great, and I respect her for what she herself has accomplished as a human being.  I thank her for being such an important piece of my life.  Cheers!

I love you, sis.  Happy 22nd!

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